Sunday, March 28, 2010

Walking Away

Walking away from anything is difficult, even if walking away means preventing a devastating and disastrous result. If I may be allowed to insert a bit of contradiction, walking away can sometimes be easy; dealing with the consequences of walking away rarely is. It is a simple truth I attribute both experience and ignorance to the hesitation we display when faced to walk away.

Imagine being intoxicated and standing at your car, keys in hand facing the decision whether or not to drive yourself home. To remove the inebriation excuse, imagine you are tipsy, not drunk. The obvious choice would be to walk away and find an alternate way home. Here’s where experience or ignorance can complicate the situation. Though not ignorant of the consequences of driving while intoxicated, it is possible to not know how those consequences will affect us emotionally or psychologically. I know that a DWI will bring with it a hefty fine, possible jail time, and I could lose both my job and my family. Unfortunately, for some, knowing isn’t enough. Experiencing a DWI, however, seems to have a much larger impact on future decision to try to “make it home.” I believe that unless there is some psychological or emotional defect, most of us learn from the painful lessons we endure.

So let’s talk specifics. Why is marriage so easy to walk away from? I believe the concept of marrying for life is a fallacy as long as divorce is possible. I carefully chose not to use the phrase “divorce is an option” because I know that some have professed that it isn’t. Although it may not be an option, it is still very much a reality.

I dare make this very controversial statement: I believe that marriage is plausible because divorce is possible. I also believe that if divorce was somehow illegal or impossible, we would see a decline in marriage.

Now before you scoff at my theory, consider this: people rarely enter into endeavor without an escape route or a “plan b.” Think of the decisions you’ve made in your life, regardless of the impact, and consider that at some point you considered a worst-case scenario. Even decisions made without thought are easily made because an egress is possible. This is just a theory.

I was married once before my current marriage and standing at the alter for the first time I dreamed of forever, but I knew in the recesses of my mind I had a way out. I knew that I walk away but I was ignorant of the impact walking away would have on my life. I walked away. I walked away believing that leaving would my marriage would offer me an alternative life. Not true. Marriage truly is for life, whether you stay married or not. My first wife will always be apart of my story and she will always be apart of my life. Aside from the fact that we have a son together, her existence is the byproduct of my decision-making.

I learned a lot from my divorce. I learned that leaving a marriage is the same thing as mourning a death. Too much focus is placed on deciding who murdered the marriage or if the marriage committed suicide. The fact remains that the lifestyle that we once shared is now dead. After a time the details of the demise no longer seems relevant.

So now I am married again. My current wife was carefully chosen based on the deep intense love I have for her and her compatibility with my lifestyle and desires. That is not to say that this marriage is easier, but I now have experience. I still believe in the forever I vowed the first time I got married but this time that forever is more feasible. I can’t walk away from this woman or this life because I know the consequences of those actions. Don’t get me wrong; I am not staying with my wife to prevent the pain of divorce. I am with my wife because I love her. The experience of going through a divorce has helped me to compromise quicker and choose my battles more carefully. I’ve learned that winning an argument at the expense of losing my life partner is not a win at all. Though it may sound a bit disturbing, walking away once before has made it impossible to even consider now.

Lucky for me my first wife is now a very happy woman and we both are in relationships that are more suitable for each another. We’ve developed a friendship based on the common goal of ensuring our son lives a life of unfathomable joy.

I’ve had friends approach me asking me my feelings about divorce. Though I would love to take a stand and say that I’m completely against it, I feel it would be hypocritical. I am very much an advocate for staying together, but I’m more of an advocate for being true to one’s on self. My advice to anyone considering divorce is to ensure that every opportunity to reconcile has been explored. Once you walk away, there is no going back. Even if a couple finds away to reunite the damage is permanent.

Ironically, I put more effort into ensuring that my friends understand the true nature of marriage than divorce. I’ve been asked, “Tony, do you think we should get married?” My answer is and always will be, “yes, but only if you understand that forever means just that.” I thank God for all the experiences in my life because they’ve shaped and formed the man that I am and the man that I hope to become. If nothing, I’ve learned that there is no alternative to life and walking away isn’t an option.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Dream a Little Dream

I travel quite a bit for my job and I’m forced to stay in hotels for a week or two out of the month. I've grown accustomed to the false sense of comfort that hotel rooms provide. For a few days most hotels are extremely inviting and almost "homelike". That is until you've been there for more than five or six days. Suddenly, having no refrigerator to open and close, or your favorite pillow, or even a spouse who creeps on to your side of the bed become the pathogens that lead to homesickness.

Strangely, a symptom I suffer from while traveling is vivid, Technicolor dreams that I only seem to have in hotel rooms. I’m not sure if I get a better sleep at home or I have more mental stimulation in unfamiliar places.

Before going into the specifics of the dream that prompted this entry, I would like to start with my interpretation of dreams. In his book The Interpretation of Dreams, Freud surmised that dreams were the “day residue” or a byproduct of the visual, auditory and thought stimulation of the previous day. Though this definition of dreams has been challenged by other psychology professionals, it has been a source of reference to explain the dream phenomenon.

I agree with Freud. I believe that our lives play out much like a movie. Our five senses act as camera and projector, recording and displaying the events of our lives in our minds. There are certain thoughts and feelings that we express without censure and others that we keep to ourselves. This is the stimulation that doesn’t make it pass the “director’s cut” of our lives. The cutting room floor is what feeds our dreams. I believe that order and logic are left out of this film and we just “see” rolls of tape in no specific sequence. Sometimes we get lucky and we dream in a sensible fashion. There are other times our dreams are left to individual perception. While trying to figure out my own dreams, I retrace my steps to get a more accurate explanation of the film I watched while sleeping.

Last night I dreamed of Armageddon. My first thought was to search my memories for conversations, recent television shows or movies, and anything that would bring me to the thought of the world ending. The Armageddon I dreamed of wasn’t the world but my on singular demise. In my dream, I was sitting in a classroom and was suddenly overcome with a feeling of urgency. My mind was racing and in a moment the world seemed to smear and blur right in front of me as if I was watching a videotape while fast forwarding. I dreamed in a sort of third person watching myself but my thoughts were the thoughts of the person in my dream, not the dreamer. I began to instantly think of my afterlife knowing that the end was moments away. In a flash, all the mistakes I had made throughout my actual life ran through my mind. I remember becoming overwhelmed by the guilt of pain and agony that I’ve caused. Guilt gave way to fear as I realized that I was about to die and there was nothing I could do about the next second or the years that preceded that moment. As my dream identity began to blur with the world around him, I suddenly felt a sense of complete and utter peace and tranquility.

So what was that about? I want to believe that I lack the ability to make premonitions in the dream world. For whatever reason, I believe that subconsciously I’ve been punishing myself for my past mistakes and I was sending myself a message. My dream was about the second leading up to the end of my world. What I realized was that death was not the time to contemplate life. There was nothing I could do about my demise and it was only until I accepted the inevitability of dying did I receive peace. In essence, I taught myself to atone for my mistakes and continue to live; changing only the things that I can actually change.

Is it possible to learn life lessons from ourselves? That’s up to philosophers and psychoanalysts to decide. I believe that I’ve lived long enough to avoid my past mistakes and write the script of my life everyday while enjoying the leftovers during a deep, blissful, sleep.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

The Men I’ve Loved

Now that I have your attention...

I have always been envious of the relationships that women are able to make with one another. Women are extremely talented at making life long friends that they lean on and glean from on a daily basis. They show exceptional loyalty and kindness to one another and rarely do they allow anything to infiltrate or destroy their bond. It is truly remarkable. The levels of intimacy that women share with their girlfriends’ rivals the relationships that some develop with the men they love.

Men are very different. Most men never know the joy of developing a strong and meaningful relationship with other men. Many men rely on women to provide them with a place of comfort and support. No matter how intuitive a woman may be, it is virtually impossible for her to understand the pitfalls and triumphs of manhood. Truly, she can only lead a man towards her individual understanding of the ideal women. The inherit flaw in this guidance is that most women learn everything they know about men from other women.

With all of the opportunities that men have to bond, one would think that friendships between men would be an effortless endeavor. Choose any state in America and you will find men congregating on basketball courts, golf courses, poker tables, and pool halls. These masculine meeting places are actually serve as a one of many causes for poor male bonding.

Men compete.

This is a two-word sentence that falls in line with all of the rules of grammar and social life. Men compete in every aspect of their lives and they’ve been competing since (pardon the crass observation) before the beginning of their own creation. I need not go into detail of the very first “race” that every man breathing has claimed victory. Even after conception, men were born to compete and conquer. Though probably not the first words a man utters, “I betcha” is a phrase that every man is familiar with. This constant state of competition makes it extremely difficult to find companionship beyond the realm of allies. A man doesn’t even need a competitive nature to understand the value of winning and the follies of losing. How is it possible to divulge my deepest darkest secrets to a man who will at some point serve as my adversary? Secrets serve as weapons when chasing the same victory, woman, or job. A man who divulges too much of himself to another man will only be devoured by that man when they inevitably face one another.

Another hindrance of men creating mutual relationships is the stereotypes that we have accepted that define a man. As a child, both men and women taught me that strength was my principle attribute. I was told repeatedly that in order to be a real man I would have to hide my feelings for the sake of the woman that would depend on my strength. Even during the transitional period of my teen years, the idea that a man is a rock is constantly reinforced. Unfortunately that rock was not the source of support it should have been, but a rigid, immovable object. The man has been defined in movies, sports, and music erroneously for years. He has been typecast as a misogynist, a sexist, and worst of all completely dependent on himself. Men are rarely taught to depend on each other but forced to lean on their own often-distorted views of life.

This is not to say that as men we are all stumbling through life, however it does mean that when we stumble we find ourselves alone in the fall. In my own life God has blessed me with men who have served as mentor, confidant, and friend. Though at times seemingly fleeting, I have known the bonds of brotherhood well. I’ve been lucky to be introduced to men of great morality and strength. These brothers have listened as I’ve poured my soul to them and have helped me to correct but never judge my behavior.

It would seem that my experiences contradict my previous summation. Unfortunately, the men who have shown me brotherly love have been few and far between. It also has taken time and life changing events to free ourselves of the solitude that many men imprison themselves in. It isn’t that a caring relationship between men isn’t impossible, however, it is incredibly difficult. Even the feminine overtones of this essay suggest that men shouldn’t be engaged in engaging one another on a more intimate level. I believe that a host of catastrophic events in the lives of men can be attributed to this lack of male intimacy.

In my own life I’ve dealt with an inability to cope and have turned to negative outlets in an attempt to work through my frustrations. I found myself confined within a revolving door searching for a way out. Though I had women in my life it was hard to explain the pressure of manhood that I felt stifling me. It took the encouraging words of a close male friend to bring perspective to my situation. He was able to explain to me that manhood was a journey filled with expectations. He taught me that the strength of a true man was not in his brawn or brains, but in understanding his limitations. Could a woman have given me the same advice? But in my situation the horse’s mouth served as more realistic vessel for advice.

Aristotle developed a concept known as philos a type of love that is dispassionate and virtuous. As men we must not be afraid of the word love nor should we be afraid to love one another. If it were possible to tell a brother that you love him and prevent the rampant acts of suicide, spousal abuse, drug and alcohol abuse, and depression wouldn’t it be worth it?

For the men who were man enough to love and help guide me through life I want to say I appreciate it. I also want to say that I love you brother, I love you friend.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Loving the Proverbs 31 Wife

Proverbs 31:10-31 or Eishes Chayil outlines the ideal or Virtuous wife. It describes what a woman should strive for, perfection is never assumed. Regardless of your belief system, you have to respect an industrious and faithful woman or even one who aspires to be. Loving a woman that is living by a certain code of ethics whose goal is to please both God and her husband is certainly attractive and ideal.

So what happens when a man stumbles upon a woman who is in relentless pursuit of these virtues? How am I to handle the pressure of a woman who puts God and her family before herself? That is pressure.

It’s funny; it is almost easier to love a woman who has no ambition to be pleasing in God's or my sight. It’s easier because it provides plenty of excuses for the ambitious man with shortcomings. It had to be a simple undertaking for Adam to blame Eve for his disobedience. As a matter of fact, Adam blamed both God and Eve!

“Then the man said, 'The woman whom You gave to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I ate.'” Genesis (3:12)

The virtuous woman gives the man no opportunity for excuses. She is not easily tempted because her focus is on what is important in her life. This puts the responsibility on the man to do the same thing.

I took the liberty to break down the Proverbs 31 wife and how my own wife ascribes to these principles. I also show how I have come short of deserving such a blessing.


A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.
She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.


But what of him? Does he bring her the same? Loving this woman of virtue who supplies physical and emotional needs is indeed a difficult task. It is as if a woman who is constantly taking provides a better backdrop for excuses for failures. Having full confidence in my wife and lacking nothing that has value gives me the freedom to pursue my dreams without fear. I have no one but myself to blame for my shortcomings. How tragic.

She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands.
She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar.
She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls.


Who said that a woman’s place is in her home? Has she left the home to better it? Has she ventured into the world to bring comfort and beauty to a home that you both enjoy? It is quite possible that God equipped women for this purpose. It has always amazed me how my wife, a Marine, can work for ten to twelve hours and still find time to come home and make me feel like she’s been waiting for me. I stand in awe on a Saturday morning when she wakes before I do, makes coffee, and then makes the entire house seem as if it has been dipped in pine oil and lemons. The very least I can do is pick up my clothes off the floor and do a load of laundry or two.

She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.

She makes smart decisions that bear fruit and doesn’t need a co-signature. My input is welcomed but not necessary. This type of strength and consideration multiplies my hands and allows me to be in more than one place a time. While I’m about my Father’s business, so is she!

She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks.
She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night.
In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy.

All day she works but yet still finds time to volunteer. I stayed home with the kids while she gave her time and talents to a shelter for abused woman last weekend. She knows her worth and helps other women to find theirs. She is a blessing, a blessing that I sometimes treat like a curse.

When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple.


All of our needs are met. She makes sure of it. The children never leave the house in anything that gives the perception that they are not well taken of. She ensures that are basic needs and our elaborate wants are considered. Whenever we are together she is dressed so that I am the envy of all men while still portraying the mother of my children.

Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.

It is through her diligence that I take my place at the head of my table and earn the respect of my peers. Behind every good man is not the actual woman but her virtue. She stand besides me but pushes me to achieve all that God has in store for me.

She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes.
She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.

A constant go getter, she is a joy to be around and to be near. I have to force her to take a break, to relax. She believes that her job is stay busy and keep the home intact. She forces me off the couch with her relentless pursuit of perfection. How can I not lend a helping hand?

Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:
"Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all."
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

I constantly remind my beautiful wife that she is worthy of my praise. She belongs on the pedestal I placed her on, but not to be left there alone. I slip. I forget at times that this was my blessing, she was my gift, and proof that God favors me.

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