Dream a Little Dream

I travel quite a bit for my job and I’m forced to stay in hotels for a week or two out of the month. I've grown accustomed to the false sense of comfort that hotel rooms provide. For a few days most hotels are extremely inviting and almost "homelike". That is until you've been there for more than five or six days. Suddenly, having no refrigerator to open and close, or your favorite pillow, or even a spouse who creeps on to your side of the bed become the pathogens that lead to homesickness.

Strangely, a symptom I suffer from while traveling is vivid, Technicolor dreams that I only seem to have in hotel rooms. I’m not sure if I get a better sleep at home or I have more mental stimulation in unfamiliar places.

Before going into the specifics of the dream that prompted this entry, I would like to start with my interpretation of dreams. In his book The Interpretation of Dreams, Freud surmised that dreams were the “day residue” or a byproduct of the visual, auditory and thought stimulation of the previous day. Though this definition of dreams has been challenged by other psychology professionals, it has been a source of reference to explain the dream phenomenon.

I agree with Freud. I believe that our lives play out much like a movie. Our five senses act as camera and projector, recording and displaying the events of our lives in our minds. There are certain thoughts and feelings that we express without censure and others that we keep to ourselves. This is the stimulation that doesn’t make it pass the “director’s cut” of our lives. The cutting room floor is what feeds our dreams. I believe that order and logic are left out of this film and we just “see” rolls of tape in no specific sequence. Sometimes we get lucky and we dream in a sensible fashion. There are other times our dreams are left to individual perception. While trying to figure out my own dreams, I retrace my steps to get a more accurate explanation of the film I watched while sleeping.

Last night I dreamed of Armageddon. My first thought was to search my memories for conversations, recent television shows or movies, and anything that would bring me to the thought of the world ending. The Armageddon I dreamed of wasn’t the world but my on singular demise. In my dream, I was sitting in a classroom and was suddenly overcome with a feeling of urgency. My mind was racing and in a moment the world seemed to smear and blur right in front of me as if I was watching a videotape while fast forwarding. I dreamed in a sort of third person watching myself but my thoughts were the thoughts of the person in my dream, not the dreamer. I began to instantly think of my afterlife knowing that the end was moments away. In a flash, all the mistakes I had made throughout my actual life ran through my mind. I remember becoming overwhelmed by the guilt of pain and agony that I’ve caused. Guilt gave way to fear as I realized that I was about to die and there was nothing I could do about the next second or the years that preceded that moment. As my dream identity began to blur with the world around him, I suddenly felt a sense of complete and utter peace and tranquility.

So what was that about? I want to believe that I lack the ability to make premonitions in the dream world. For whatever reason, I believe that subconsciously I’ve been punishing myself for my past mistakes and I was sending myself a message. My dream was about the second leading up to the end of my world. What I realized was that death was not the time to contemplate life. There was nothing I could do about my demise and it was only until I accepted the inevitability of dying did I receive peace. In essence, I taught myself to atone for my mistakes and continue to live; changing only the things that I can actually change.

Is it possible to learn life lessons from ourselves? That’s up to philosophers and psychoanalysts to decide. I believe that I’ve lived long enough to avoid my past mistakes and write the script of my life everyday while enjoying the leftovers during a deep, blissful, sleep.

Where I Wanna Be

I can’t think of one person who didn’t, as a child, dream of the life they would live as an adult. We all fantasized and dreamed of having a life that could only be imagined. We allowed our influences in life: our family, our television, our friends, etc. to help paint a picture of what we define as the ideal.

The ideal. The ideal is nothing more than a concept that we create and emulate. If it is of our own creation, shouldn’t it be feasible that we can modify the ideal as we go along? The simple answer is yes, yes until you find yourself a bit short of ideal. I’ve found myself “short of ideal” a few times in my life. I had these dreams of becoming someone that any and everyone would admire. As I get older I become acutely aware of the fact that the clock is ticking and this is the only life that I will ever live. A wonderful concept if you are living your life at or beyond your expectations. I have been taught that my life belongs to God but the direction of my life is completely a choice that I make. Who amongst us have not remarked, “I am a good person, why isn’t my life better?” I have. I have gone so far as to judge people who don’t appear to have the same morals and values that I have but seem to be living a better life. With anger I scoff at the rich and famous, who obsess over the unimportant and celebrate the very worst in us. The materialistic and misogynistic themes of the rich and famous sicken me... Sicken me so much, I can’t look away.

So here are the lame and insignificant ramblings of someone who has yet to try and who is afraid to fail. Born with no silver spoon, my ideal was to be like those who were so fortunate. I allowed money to be my obsession and repeatedly asked, “why not me?”

Now I get it.

There has to be more to life than money or even success for that matter. There has to be a reality larger and more significant than what we have or do not have. Maturity can be defined as accepting that the ideal exists in the mind and hearts of the person who is willing to dream beyond their circumstances. Having a dream of something better is very different than defining “better” with the materialistic things of this world. Regardless of our beliefs of the afterlife one thing is for certain, nothing we have will go with us. Is it worth spending my life wanting what I don’t have only to ignore the things I do have? Better cars, better houses, better clothes don’t equal a better life. A better life exists in the love I have for God, my family and the love I have for me. I’m no cynic. I don’t believe for a moment that all of the rich are unhappy or unfulfilled. I believe that many people of means have found the happy medium that exists somewhere between having things and coveting things.

I’m learning to appreciate every moment. I’m learning to make my ideal and my life the same, or at the very least, similar. I’m learning that the power I give my regrets and failures are given freely. Where I want to be is a state of mind. I can choose to love my surroundings and embrace the life that I am living. Life is teaching me that shooting for the stars doesn’t mean that you have to lose your footing. It’s possible to have your head in the clouds while simultaneously having your feet planted firmly on the ground. That’s where I want to be. I want to constantly seek opportunities to be great while reveling in the moment, because at this point in my life, to just enough people… I’m pretty awesome. What a great place to be!

Author of Your Dreams

There are two peers that I have encountered in my life that I considered both friend and inspiration. I don't think I have ever really communicated the impact each has had on me but individually my two friends have changed how I approach life.

My adult life has been a bit of a roller coaster filled with ups, downs, turns and of course, the occasional stand still. For years I could relate to that moment a gut-wrenching ride at a theme park sits perched high atop an apex after a slow deliberate ascent. It is as if that moment of anticipation right before the plunge has been put on pause in my life. I know the descent is coming but I just can't find the energy to get enough momentum to start the horrific and exhilarating fall.

This standstill is the result of not being the author of my own dreams. For years I have allowed other people in my life to guide my steps and create my path. I have known for years that I wanted to write but writing is not exactly the type of nine to five that brings home a lot of bacon. Years ago, I should have taken the pen from the naysayers and the people who suggested that I invest my time and energy into a more fruitful endeavor. There were those who cheered me on and said go for it, but always added "be sure to have something to fall back on." Having something to fall back on eliminates the "go for it." A shot at anything great is always one shot. Wasting a bullet on a safe target only means that the true target, the impossible target, the sexy target will continue to flap in the breeze untouched.

I know two people (well many but these two sharply come to mind) that wrote their own dreams and are now happier because of it. My very good friends Kelly and Marlow both authored, edited, and published their dreams. Both overcame odds to attend school even at the cost of ostracizing themselves from those of us who didn't understand the urgency of their goal. Both Kelly and Marlow made a decision and answered with uncompromising assurance the question that plagues many of us for years, "What do I want to do with my life?" I'm sure each of them can attest to the struggles they faced then and a few that may come up now, but I am positive that their sense of accomplishment far outweighs any discomfort that life may introduce. Kelly and Marlow both became professionals in their fields, achieving a goal that most have to been on course for from the very beginning. These two remarkable people found their way through trial and error and the occasional detour. They never allowed life to even suggest that "here" is good enough. I believe their tenacity was a result of knowing the direction of their travels. In other words, they never gave up the map.

I believe that so many of us get lost on the way to our dreams because we have no clue where exactly we want to go. Instead, we allow others to dictate our path. The goal is important because it makes the journey worthwhile. If there is no goal, the journey becomes a useless and
inconsequential trip. Kelly and Marlow have taught me through their triumphs, success and failures that what I want should be just as important as what I am willing to do to get it. I don't envy their success because to do so is to surrender to the idea that I am incapable of duplicating that type of accomplishment in my own life. I have to believe that, although they are two very intelligent people, their intelligence has no bearing on their achievement. I have to believe it is the desire and steadfastness of their commitment that brought them to their goal. Believing this affirms that it doesn't matter how smart I am or talented, it only matters that I am willing to go through to get to.

Thank you Marlow and thank you Kelly and thank all of you who have authored your dreams to fruition for giving us, who are still writing, a blueprint for our own success. Adopting your insistence for triumph has been the push I needed to get over the hump and begin my fall...hands raised, wind in my face, screaming at the top of my lungs.

If imitation is truly the best form of flattery then my goal is to imitate your inability to allow anyone besides you to be the author of your masterpiece.