Walking Away

Walking away from anything is difficult, even if walking away means preventing a devastating and disastrous result. If I may be allowed to insert a bit of contradiction, walking away can sometimes be easy; dealing with the consequences of walking away rarely is. It is a simple truth I attribute both experience and ignorance to the hesitation we display when faced to walk away.

Imagine being intoxicated and standing at your car, keys in hand facing the decision whether or not to drive yourself home. To remove the inebriation excuse, imagine you are tipsy, not drunk. The obvious choice would be to walk away and find an alternate way home. Here’s where experience or ignorance can complicate the situation. Though not ignorant of the consequences of driving while intoxicated, it is possible to not know how those consequences will affect us emotionally or psychologically. I know that a DWI will bring with it a hefty fine, possible jail time, and I could lose both my job and my family. Unfortunately, for some, knowing isn’t enough. Experiencing a DWI, however, seems to have a much larger impact on future decision to try to “make it home.” I believe that unless there is some psychological or emotional defect, most of us learn from the painful lessons we endure.

So let’s talk specifics. Why is marriage so easy to walk away from? I believe the concept of marrying for life is a fallacy as long as divorce is possible. I carefully chose not to use the phrase “divorce is an option” because I know that some have professed that it isn’t. Although it may not be an option, it is still very much a reality.

I dare make this very controversial statement: I believe that marriage is plausible because divorce is possible. I also believe that if divorce was somehow illegal or impossible, we would see a decline in marriage.

Now before you scoff at my theory, consider this: people rarely enter into endeavor without an escape route or a “plan b.” Think of the decisions you’ve made in your life, regardless of the impact, and consider that at some point you considered a worst-case scenario. Even decisions made without thought are easily made because an egress is possible. This is just a theory.

I was married once before my current marriage and standing at the alter for the first time I dreamed of forever, but I knew in the recesses of my mind I had a way out. I knew that I walk away but I was ignorant of the impact walking away would have on my life. I walked away. I walked away believing that leaving would my marriage would offer me an alternative life. Not true. Marriage truly is for life, whether you stay married or not. My first wife will always be apart of my story and she will always be apart of my life. Aside from the fact that we have a son together, her existence is the byproduct of my decision-making.

I learned a lot from my divorce. I learned that leaving a marriage is the same thing as mourning a death. Too much focus is placed on deciding who murdered the marriage or if the marriage committed suicide. The fact remains that the lifestyle that we once shared is now dead. After a time the details of the demise no longer seems relevant.

So now I am married again. My current wife was carefully chosen based on the deep intense love I have for her and her compatibility with my lifestyle and desires. That is not to say that this marriage is easier, but I now have experience. I still believe in the forever I vowed the first time I got married but this time that forever is more feasible. I can’t walk away from this woman or this life because I know the consequences of those actions. Don’t get me wrong; I am not staying with my wife to prevent the pain of divorce. I am with my wife because I love her. The experience of going through a divorce has helped me to compromise quicker and choose my battles more carefully. I’ve learned that winning an argument at the expense of losing my life partner is not a win at all. Though it may sound a bit disturbing, walking away once before has made it impossible to even consider now.

Lucky for me my first wife is now a very happy woman and we both are in relationships that are more suitable for each another. We’ve developed a friendship based on the common goal of ensuring our son lives a life of unfathomable joy.

I’ve had friends approach me asking me my feelings about divorce. Though I would love to take a stand and say that I’m completely against it, I feel it would be hypocritical. I am very much an advocate for staying together, but I’m more of an advocate for being true to one’s on self. My advice to anyone considering divorce is to ensure that every opportunity to reconcile has been explored. Once you walk away, there is no going back. Even if a couple finds away to reunite the damage is permanent.

Ironically, I put more effort into ensuring that my friends understand the true nature of marriage than divorce. I’ve been asked, “Tony, do you think we should get married?” My answer is and always will be, “yes, but only if you understand that forever means just that.” I thank God for all the experiences in my life because they’ve shaped and formed the man that I am and the man that I hope to become. If nothing, I’ve learned that there is no alternative to life and walking away isn’t an option.

Dream a Little Dream

I travel quite a bit for my job and I’m forced to stay in hotels for a week or two out of the month. I've grown accustomed to the false sense of comfort that hotel rooms provide. For a few days most hotels are extremely inviting and almost "homelike". That is until you've been there for more than five or six days. Suddenly, having no refrigerator to open and close, or your favorite pillow, or even a spouse who creeps on to your side of the bed become the pathogens that lead to homesickness.

Strangely, a symptom I suffer from while traveling is vivid, Technicolor dreams that I only seem to have in hotel rooms. I’m not sure if I get a better sleep at home or I have more mental stimulation in unfamiliar places.

Before going into the specifics of the dream that prompted this entry, I would like to start with my interpretation of dreams. In his book The Interpretation of Dreams, Freud surmised that dreams were the “day residue” or a byproduct of the visual, auditory and thought stimulation of the previous day. Though this definition of dreams has been challenged by other psychology professionals, it has been a source of reference to explain the dream phenomenon.

I agree with Freud. I believe that our lives play out much like a movie. Our five senses act as camera and projector, recording and displaying the events of our lives in our minds. There are certain thoughts and feelings that we express without censure and others that we keep to ourselves. This is the stimulation that doesn’t make it pass the “director’s cut” of our lives. The cutting room floor is what feeds our dreams. I believe that order and logic are left out of this film and we just “see” rolls of tape in no specific sequence. Sometimes we get lucky and we dream in a sensible fashion. There are other times our dreams are left to individual perception. While trying to figure out my own dreams, I retrace my steps to get a more accurate explanation of the film I watched while sleeping.

Last night I dreamed of Armageddon. My first thought was to search my memories for conversations, recent television shows or movies, and anything that would bring me to the thought of the world ending. The Armageddon I dreamed of wasn’t the world but my on singular demise. In my dream, I was sitting in a classroom and was suddenly overcome with a feeling of urgency. My mind was racing and in a moment the world seemed to smear and blur right in front of me as if I was watching a videotape while fast forwarding. I dreamed in a sort of third person watching myself but my thoughts were the thoughts of the person in my dream, not the dreamer. I began to instantly think of my afterlife knowing that the end was moments away. In a flash, all the mistakes I had made throughout my actual life ran through my mind. I remember becoming overwhelmed by the guilt of pain and agony that I’ve caused. Guilt gave way to fear as I realized that I was about to die and there was nothing I could do about the next second or the years that preceded that moment. As my dream identity began to blur with the world around him, I suddenly felt a sense of complete and utter peace and tranquility.

So what was that about? I want to believe that I lack the ability to make premonitions in the dream world. For whatever reason, I believe that subconsciously I’ve been punishing myself for my past mistakes and I was sending myself a message. My dream was about the second leading up to the end of my world. What I realized was that death was not the time to contemplate life. There was nothing I could do about my demise and it was only until I accepted the inevitability of dying did I receive peace. In essence, I taught myself to atone for my mistakes and continue to live; changing only the things that I can actually change.

Is it possible to learn life lessons from ourselves? That’s up to philosophers and psychoanalysts to decide. I believe that I’ve lived long enough to avoid my past mistakes and write the script of my life everyday while enjoying the leftovers during a deep, blissful, sleep.