The Men I’ve Loved

Now that I have your attention...

I have always been envious of the relationships that women are able to make with one another. Women are extremely talented at making life long friends that they lean on and glean from on a daily basis. They show exceptional loyalty and kindness to one another and rarely do they allow anything to infiltrate or destroy their bond. It is truly remarkable. The levels of intimacy that women share with their girlfriends’ rivals the relationships that some develop with the men they love.

Men are very different. Most men never know the joy of developing a strong and meaningful relationship with other men. Many men rely on women to provide them with a place of comfort and support. No matter how intuitive a woman may be, it is virtually impossible for her to understand the pitfalls and triumphs of manhood. Truly, she can only lead a man towards her individual understanding of the ideal women. The inherit flaw in this guidance is that most women learn everything they know about men from other women.

With all of the opportunities that men have to bond, one would think that friendships between men would be an effortless endeavor. Choose any state in America and you will find men congregating on basketball courts, golf courses, poker tables, and pool halls. These masculine meeting places are actually serve as a one of many causes for poor male bonding.

Men compete.

This is a two-word sentence that falls in line with all of the rules of grammar and social life. Men compete in every aspect of their lives and they’ve been competing since (pardon the crass observation) before the beginning of their own creation. I need not go into detail of the very first “race” that every man breathing has claimed victory. Even after conception, men were born to compete and conquer. Though probably not the first words a man utters, “I betcha” is a phrase that every man is familiar with. This constant state of competition makes it extremely difficult to find companionship beyond the realm of allies. A man doesn’t even need a competitive nature to understand the value of winning and the follies of losing. How is it possible to divulge my deepest darkest secrets to a man who will at some point serve as my adversary? Secrets serve as weapons when chasing the same victory, woman, or job. A man who divulges too much of himself to another man will only be devoured by that man when they inevitably face one another.

Another hindrance of men creating mutual relationships is the stereotypes that we have accepted that define a man. As a child, both men and women taught me that strength was my principle attribute. I was told repeatedly that in order to be a real man I would have to hide my feelings for the sake of the woman that would depend on my strength. Even during the transitional period of my teen years, the idea that a man is a rock is constantly reinforced. Unfortunately that rock was not the source of support it should have been, but a rigid, immovable object. The man has been defined in movies, sports, and music erroneously for years. He has been typecast as a misogynist, a sexist, and worst of all completely dependent on himself. Men are rarely taught to depend on each other but forced to lean on their own often-distorted views of life.

This is not to say that as men we are all stumbling through life, however it does mean that when we stumble we find ourselves alone in the fall. In my own life God has blessed me with men who have served as mentor, confidant, and friend. Though at times seemingly fleeting, I have known the bonds of brotherhood well. I’ve been lucky to be introduced to men of great morality and strength. These brothers have listened as I’ve poured my soul to them and have helped me to correct but never judge my behavior.

It would seem that my experiences contradict my previous summation. Unfortunately, the men who have shown me brotherly love have been few and far between. It also has taken time and life changing events to free ourselves of the solitude that many men imprison themselves in. It isn’t that a caring relationship between men isn’t impossible, however, it is incredibly difficult. Even the feminine overtones of this essay suggest that men shouldn’t be engaged in engaging one another on a more intimate level. I believe that a host of catastrophic events in the lives of men can be attributed to this lack of male intimacy.

In my own life I’ve dealt with an inability to cope and have turned to negative outlets in an attempt to work through my frustrations. I found myself confined within a revolving door searching for a way out. Though I had women in my life it was hard to explain the pressure of manhood that I felt stifling me. It took the encouraging words of a close male friend to bring perspective to my situation. He was able to explain to me that manhood was a journey filled with expectations. He taught me that the strength of a true man was not in his brawn or brains, but in understanding his limitations. Could a woman have given me the same advice? But in my situation the horse’s mouth served as more realistic vessel for advice.

Aristotle developed a concept known as philos a type of love that is dispassionate and virtuous. As men we must not be afraid of the word love nor should we be afraid to love one another. If it were possible to tell a brother that you love him and prevent the rampant acts of suicide, spousal abuse, drug and alcohol abuse, and depression wouldn’t it be worth it?

For the men who were man enough to love and help guide me through life I want to say I appreciate it. I also want to say that I love you brother, I love you friend.

Loving the Proverbs 31 Wife

Proverbs 31:10-31 or Eishes Chayil outlines the ideal or Virtuous wife. It describes what a woman should strive for, perfection is never assumed. Regardless of your belief system, you have to respect an industrious and faithful woman or even one who aspires to be. Loving a woman that is living by a certain code of ethics whose goal is to please both God and her husband is certainly attractive and ideal.

So what happens when a man stumbles upon a woman who is in relentless pursuit of these virtues? How am I to handle the pressure of a woman who puts God and her family before herself? That is pressure.

It’s funny; it is almost easier to love a woman who has no ambition to be pleasing in God's or my sight. It’s easier because it provides plenty of excuses for the ambitious man with shortcomings. It had to be a simple undertaking for Adam to blame Eve for his disobedience. As a matter of fact, Adam blamed both God and Eve!

“Then the man said, 'The woman whom You gave to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I ate.'” Genesis (3:12)

The virtuous woman gives the man no opportunity for excuses. She is not easily tempted because her focus is on what is important in her life. This puts the responsibility on the man to do the same thing.

I took the liberty to break down the Proverbs 31 wife and how my own wife ascribes to these principles. I also show how I have come short of deserving such a blessing.


A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.
She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.


But what of him? Does he bring her the same? Loving this woman of virtue who supplies physical and emotional needs is indeed a difficult task. It is as if a woman who is constantly taking provides a better backdrop for excuses for failures. Having full confidence in my wife and lacking nothing that has value gives me the freedom to pursue my dreams without fear. I have no one but myself to blame for my shortcomings. How tragic.

She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands.
She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar.
She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls.

Who said that a woman’s place is in her home? Has she left the home to better it? Has she ventured into the world to bring comfort and beauty to a home that you both enjoy? It is quite possible that God equipped women for this purpose. It has always amazed me how my wife, a Marine, can work for ten to twelve hours and still find time to come home and make me feel like she’s been waiting for me. I stand in awe on a Saturday morning when she wakes before I do, makes coffee, and then makes the entire house seem as if it has been dipped in pine oil and lemons. The very least I can do is pick up my clothes off the floor and do a load of laundry or two.

She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.

She makes smart decisions that bear fruit and doesn’t need a co-signature. My input is welcomed but not necessary. This type of strength and consideration multiplies my hands and allows me to be in more than one place a time. While I’m about my Father’s business, so is she!

She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks.
She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night.
In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy.

All day she works but yet still finds time to volunteer. I stayed home with the kids while she gave her time and talents to a shelter for abused woman last weekend. She knows her worth and helps other women to find theirs. She is a blessing, a blessing that I sometimes treat like a curse.

When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple.

All of our needs are met. She makes sure of it. The children never leave the house in anything that gives the perception that they are not well taken of. She ensures that are basic needs and our elaborate wants are considered. Whenever we are together she is dressed so that I am the envy of all men while still portraying the mother of my children.

Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.

It is through her diligence that I take my place at the head of my table and earn the respect of my peers. Behind every good man is not the actual woman but her virtue. She stand besides me but pushes me to achieve all that God has in store for me.

She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes.
She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.

A constant go getter, she is a joy to be around and to be near. I have to force her to take a break, to relax. She believes that her job is stay busy and keep the home intact. She forces me off the couch with her relentless pursuit of perfection. How can I not lend a helping hand?

Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:
"Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all."
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

I constantly remind my beautiful wife that she is worthy of my praise. She belongs on the pedestal I placed her on, but not to be left there alone. I slip. I forget at times that this was my blessing, she was my gift, and proof that God favors me.

All I Have in This World

One of my favorite movies (most men for that matter) is Scarface. Al Pacino’s portrayal of Tony Montana, a Cuban refugee who illegally and forcefully brought himself from poverty, to wealth, and finally to a violent death was incredible. There were many lessons to be learned from that movie, one of my favorite was ironically character.

“All I have in this world is my balls and my word… and I don’t break them for no one.”

Beyond the crassness and horrible grammar, these are amazing words of wisdom. A man is his word until he breaks it. Once his word is broken the bond that he has with the truth can forever be broken. Regardless of looks, money, success or intelligence, a man’s word will take him further than any other attribute. The ability for a man to look another man or woman in the eyes and be trusted is priceless.

I am raising sons, two sons to be exact. Both of my sons often choose deception over honesty, especially when they find themselves facing the consequences of their actions. As a father I find it extremely difficult to impress upon my sons the importance of honesty and how lying can develop into a habit-forming addiction. I want them to understand that actions have consequences – good or bad. They need to understand that Newton’s Third Law – for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction- is deeper than physics. I want my sons to learn a concept that I didn’t learn until later in life- I effect other people. As simple as this concept may be, I don’t believe that many of us live our lives based on an understanding that our lives are the extension of so many others. This reality had more of an impact on me than the morality of truth.

As a man, understanding Newton’s Law has had a profound effect on my life. I was not always the most honest person. As a matter of fact, as a child, I had a very distant and strained relationship with the truth. Lying started as self-preservation, as most lies do. I found myself unwillingly facing the consequences of my misbehavior and surmised that there was a chance that I could escape punishment by removing guilt. I didn’t realize (and neither do my boys) that with age comes wisdom. More times than not, my mother was already well aware of the truth but in attempt to teach me responsibility waited for the confession. I was persistent. “It wasn’t me Mom.” I would proclaim. Her anger grew towards my deceit. I didn’t understand until I had my own children that the lying wasn’t the source of her fear. It was the fact that I was so convincing. It frightened her because she was getting a glimpse at the man I would become… a dangerous man… a talented prevaricator.

Despite my mother’s efforts, I continued to weave webs of dishonesty that persistently caught up with me. It wasn’t until my late twenties that I discovered that honesty was a choice. I discovered that a man who is upright and honest at all times is a valued treasure to all he encounters. A simple notion yes, but I am ashamed to admit not a concept that came easy to me. I didn’t realize that my behavior would eventually have a greater impact on the people around me than me. In life it is much easier to accept the consequences of our actions, however it is more difficult to accept that we are the cause of the innocent’s pain.

As with any parent, I want my children to learn from my mistakes rather than repeat them. When dealing with the dishonesty of my boys I utilize a different approach than my mother. I address more than the lie… I try to address the effects the lie has on each of them in the long run. It is proving to be a bit of a daunting task to convince my boys that the consequences for lying far outweigh the consequences of whatever infraction they lied about. Always proving themselves intelligent, my oldest queried, “So if we tell the truth does that mean we won’t get in trouble?” I actually hesitated slightly before answering this question. Though that type of leniency would appear to be a justifiable response to honesty, what am I teaching them? If you tell the truth you won’t be held accountable for your actions? We all know that’s not true. Instead I promised them that lying would ensure a swifter and more severe punishment than anything else. The problem (as the wittedly pointed out) is that this rule cannot be proven or disproven.

My boys will one day become men and one day discover what I have as a man: being a man can be tough. Now I can just hear women scoff at this statement but there is a lot that goes into being a “good man.” They will learn as I did that a good man is defined usually by the woman’s morale code and needs that you happen to be in a relationship with. There are some universal rules but for the most part each woman creates her ideal man as she goes along. I only hope that the wise words of Tony Montana ring true in my sons’ lives. I hope they can stand on their word, flatfooted and unmoved. I believe it will make it easier for them to meet the needs and desires of their future wives. I try my best to give them an example of brutal honesty when needed and gentle honesty when necessary. Though not always, now in all things I am honest… even it hurts. Manhood is a process.

The only other lesson I think they could potentially learn from Tony Montana is ambition. The following is a scene that I try to live by as well:

Tony Montana: Me, I want what’s coming to me.

Manny: Oh, well what’s coming to you?

Tony Montana: The world, Chico, and everything in it.

Now if that isn’t philosophy… I don’t know what is!