Truth: A Consequential Casualty of Friendship

Once, I found myself in a precarious situation I prayed I would never have to face again. Till this day I can say that I've been spared the discomfort and embarrassment of that position, but honestly the decisions I made during that period haunt me to this day. I think we've all been there.

I was once asked to provide a friend with a long-standing alibi for his deceit and dishonesty. It became a bit of an impromptu lie that I was constantly prepared to tell.

Let me be clear that I have not and am not always the most honest person. I've told my share of lies and have even found myself tempted by the lure of infidelity. This made my periodic tasks even harder to do when asked. Here's the story.

My friend, I'll call him Larry (I don't know anyone named Larry and it was the first name that came to mind) was what is known as a serial monogamist. He enjoyed relationships, especially the courtship. Larry was truly gifted in the art of wooing a beautiful woman and weaving her deep into a web of his seduction. He was smooth and debonair in his approach, and women absolutely loved it. His ruse was that he and his wife were constantly going through various stages of divorce and she refused to understand his needs. I've always found it fascinating that a woman would not only believe Larry but also fall for the idea that she was the antithesis of his dutiful wife. It worked and it worked often.

Before diving to deep into truths and untruths, I'd like to spend a moment on the women he duped. Please don't allow me to paint a distorted picture of Larry. Larry was, in most accounts, a good guy. He was a loyal friend and someone that most people could trust, save his wife. He was passionate about his career and his hobbies and seemed to enjoy his life. (I speak of Larry in the past tense because I've severed ties with him.) Larry's number one character flaw was that he cheated on his wife... constantly. One particular woman knew of Larry's marital status and refused to be swayed. She believed that her presence in his life would enhance all the trials and tribulations he spilled to her during courtship. She willingly and joyfully snuck around with him enjoying the "thrill" that their clandestine encounters brought her. Too her ridiculous surprise, Larry ended their trysts deciding to "work things out" with his wife. I later learned that this was code for the fact that he lost interest and was ready to move on to the next girl. This woman's story could be photocopied and handed to every woman Larry dated. His ideal woman lacked confidence, esteem and a grip on reality.

Woman after woman, my job was to lie to Larry's wife. Every once in a while she would call me and ask if I had heard or seen Larry. Trying my best to not sound as if I were fabricating a story, I would fabricate a believable story and immediately call Larry. I've told her all sorts of ridiculous fantasies, hoping that she wouldn't believe me and demand that I put him on the phone immediately. I wanted a reprieve and an exit from the lie, but she never gave me one. Larry always had a way out and I was left to deal with a tormented conscious.

A reader could very easily cast my guilt and shame aside and profess that I deserve to feel this way. As a matter of fact, it would be easy to claim that all parties involved were equally guilty and deserved whatever punishment accompanied that guilt, including humiliation. No, I did not have to lie for my friend, nor did I have to take such an active role in his transgressions. During this time in my life my moral compass was severely off and I chose to emulate rather than chastise Larry. Birds of feather being a truism more than an idiom, I picked up some bad habits while crafting the perfect prevarication for Larry's indecorous behavior. What made matters worse is that I had absolutely nothing to gain. My friendship with Larry was a classic dependency. I needed his bad behavior to feel good about myself. He needed me to keep his wife out of his… affairs. The only thing that Larry offered me in return was a contrast that didn't require me to reach very high to attain mediocrity.

The final straw was a call late one Friday evening and a desperate request that had no positive outcome. I was asked if I would do one of two things: 1. Give an adulteress a ride to a clinic so that she could make a decision she was sure to regret or 2. Lie to Larry's wife again while he served as his girlfriend's chauffeur to an abortion clinic.

At that moment I realized that I was more than an enabler for Larry and his delusional wife. I was the cause of his problems. I was the drug dealer always willing to give a freebie. I was the money-obsessed member of an entourage, always willing to say yes. I was the parent praying that this would be the last time I would bail my child out of jail. What blew my mind was how easily Larry accepted my refusal to help out. I suspected that he had grown weary of his lifestyle and saw his omission of prophylaxis a careless cry for help. My refusal was the last words I would ever speak to Larry.

Through the grapevine I heard that he and the girl he was dating went through with the pregnancy. He divorced his wife and pursued a relationship with his mistress. All things being equal, she eventually left him for another man.

Larry taught me a lot about myself. He taught me the value of honesty and the pitfalls of wayward ambition. He taught me that a woman's heart is the most fragile collection of matter in Creation. I wish that I could say that since Larry I have not allowed a dishonest word to part my lips, but that would be a lie in itself. However, I have come to realize that lies will cause a wake of disaster that is not easily repaired. I’ve also vowed that I would never put anyone in the position that Larry placed me in. A simple lesson but one that has proven to be extremely valuable.

I still ask myself at times whose crime was greater... mine or his.

All I Have in This World

One of my favorite movies (most men for that matter) is Scarface. Al Pacino’s portrayal of Tony Montana, a Cuban refugee who illegally and forcefully brought himself from poverty, to wealth, and finally to a violent death was incredible. There were many lessons to be learned from that movie, one of my favorite was ironically character.

“All I have in this world is my balls and my word… and I don’t break them for no one.”

Beyond the crassness and horrible grammar, these are amazing words of wisdom. A man is his word until he breaks it. Once his word is broken the bond that he has with the truth can forever be broken. Regardless of looks, money, success or intelligence, a man’s word will take him further than any other attribute. The ability for a man to look another man or woman in the eyes and be trusted is priceless.

I am raising sons, two sons to be exact. Both of my sons often choose deception over honesty, especially when they find themselves facing the consequences of their actions. As a father I find it extremely difficult to impress upon my sons the importance of honesty and how lying can develop into a habit-forming addiction. I want them to understand that actions have consequences – good or bad. They need to understand that Newton’s Third Law – for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction- is deeper than physics. I want my sons to learn a concept that I didn’t learn until later in life- I effect other people. As simple as this concept may be, I don’t believe that many of us live our lives based on an understanding that our lives are the extension of so many others. This reality had more of an impact on me than the morality of truth.

As a man, understanding Newton’s Law has had a profound effect on my life. I was not always the most honest person. As a matter of fact, as a child, I had a very distant and strained relationship with the truth. Lying started as self-preservation, as most lies do. I found myself unwillingly facing the consequences of my misbehavior and surmised that there was a chance that I could escape punishment by removing guilt. I didn’t realize (and neither do my boys) that with age comes wisdom. More times than not, my mother was already well aware of the truth but in attempt to teach me responsibility waited for the confession. I was persistent. “It wasn’t me Mom.” I would proclaim. Her anger grew towards my deceit. I didn’t understand until I had my own children that the lying wasn’t the source of her fear. It was the fact that I was so convincing. It frightened her because she was getting a glimpse at the man I would become… a dangerous man… a talented prevaricator.

Despite my mother’s efforts, I continued to weave webs of dishonesty that persistently caught up with me. It wasn’t until my late twenties that I discovered that honesty was a choice. I discovered that a man who is upright and honest at all times is a valued treasure to all he encounters. A simple notion yes, but I am ashamed to admit not a concept that came easy to me. I didn’t realize that my behavior would eventually have a greater impact on the people around me than me. In life it is much easier to accept the consequences of our actions, however it is more difficult to accept that we are the cause of the innocent’s pain.

As with any parent, I want my children to learn from my mistakes rather than repeat them. When dealing with the dishonesty of my boys I utilize a different approach than my mother. I address more than the lie… I try to address the effects the lie has on each of them in the long run. It is proving to be a bit of a daunting task to convince my boys that the consequences for lying far outweigh the consequences of whatever infraction they lied about. Always proving themselves intelligent, my oldest queried, “So if we tell the truth does that mean we won’t get in trouble?” I actually hesitated slightly before answering this question. Though that type of leniency would appear to be a justifiable response to honesty, what am I teaching them? If you tell the truth you won’t be held accountable for your actions? We all know that’s not true. Instead I promised them that lying would ensure a swifter and more severe punishment than anything else. The problem (as the wittedly pointed out) is that this rule cannot be proven or disproven.

My boys will one day become men and one day discover what I have as a man: being a man can be tough. Now I can just hear women scoff at this statement but there is a lot that goes into being a “good man.” They will learn as I did that a good man is defined usually by the woman’s morale code and needs that you happen to be in a relationship with. There are some universal rules but for the most part each woman creates her ideal man as she goes along. I only hope that the wise words of Tony Montana ring true in my sons’ lives. I hope they can stand on their word, flatfooted and unmoved. I believe it will make it easier for them to meet the needs and desires of their future wives. I try my best to give them an example of brutal honesty when needed and gentle honesty when necessary. Though not always, now in all things I am honest… even it hurts. Manhood is a process.

The only other lesson I think they could potentially learn from Tony Montana is ambition. The following is a scene that I try to live by as well:

Tony Montana: Me, I want what’s coming to me.

Manny: Oh, well what’s coming to you?

Tony Montana: The world, Chico, and everything in it.

Now if that isn’t philosophy… I don’t know what is!