Fatherhood and Masturbation

Masturbation has always been a private issue. It is an issue that is rarely discussed and even more rarely admitted to. There are varying beliefs and theories regarding masturbation, but as w all know it has some form of presence in all of our personal lives.

I am of the belief that masturbation is best kept in the proverbial closet with all of my other skeletons. Unfortunately, fatherhood has propped the door of this closet open far more times than I am comfortable with. This time it was my ten year old, Desmond. He approached me in a careful and inhibited manner that made me cringe. Usually when he beats around the bush what follows is a tough question that forces me to dig deep into the realm of my vocabulary to answer. I made a pact with my wife that I wouldn’t confuse the issue with medical terms, nor would I approach any answer with pre-pubescent words like pee-pee and wee-wee. Without being crass, I vowed that I would answer my children’s question about sex in a straightforward and honest manner. That was simple when they were too young to ask. Now at 8, 10, and 12 the questions are becoming harder and the answers more confusing – to them.

So Desmond cocks his head to the side and says, “What’s masturbation mean?” I froze. I took the approach that many parents take when caught by surprise by an inquisitive child… I changed the subject. I responded curtly, “Have you finished your homework?”

“I don’t have any,” he coyly replied.

My wife, my life partner, my best friend, my lover, my ace boon coon, sheepishly turned her back on me and the situation. She offered no assistance and pretended as if she was completely unaware of the conversation. So there I was abandoned all alone to face an inquiry I honestly had no desire to. I would love to report that I reached for my pipe, Ward Cleaver style and invited my son to sit as I eloquently explained a concept that he would become intimately familiar with over the next few years. Well, that’s not what happened. I gave him a short answer that quickly gave him the impression that he had no business asking the question…

“It’s something you shouldn’t be doing, no take out the trash and go to bed!”

What followed was an intense guilt completely overtaking me. I didn’t quickly fix the situation and instead allowed my son to drift off to sleep completely ignorant to a natural part of manhood and life period. It wasn’t until the next day after hours of contemplation that I fixed my inappropriate response. Before I dive into how I responded, I’d like to share my thoughts that raced through my mind…

My first thought was that his innocence was refreshing. I don’t remember asking my mother or father about masturbation. I think I just discovered it as most young men do. Of course, as most young men, I also developed a sense of shame to accompany the euphoria that touching myself brought. Second, I was actually proud that my son thought so much of me to trust his query with me. He could have very well consulted the school’s playground as a credible source (which I’m not sure he didn’t do.) He trusted that his father was reliable and that the lines of communication were open so wide that he could approach me with such a difficult question. Concentrating on my own discomfort, I never considered how he must have felt. Finally, I thought of the aftermath. If I couldn’t handle something as benign as self-pleasure could I really expect him to confront me with his desire to have sex with a girlfriend for the first time? Could I trust that I would be the one to teach him about condoms or sexually transmitted diseases? Would he come to me with his confusion about his sexual identity or his fear that his body seems to have a mind of his own?

Unwittingly, by ignoring the validity of my son’s curiosity I could have driven a wedge between us preventing future opportunities to educate and dispel myths. I could have forced him to believe that STD’s are impossible with oral sex. I could have given him no choice but to surmise that girls are unable to get pregnant while on their period and that you can tell someone has HIV by looking at them. I know these myths exist because at one point in my life, I believed them along with many other ridiculous untruths.

I realized that I had to act. I had to undo my carelessness with haste! I waited until my daughter was asleep and called my son downstairs to have yet another “talk.” I explained to him the meaning and mechanics of masturbation (without getting to explicit and without giving a “how-to” lesson.) I explained that it was perfectly natural and nothing to be ashamed of, however it is polite and good manners to remain private with regards to it. I explained why people masturbated and what the eventual end result would be while referencing previous “talks” about copulation. I explained that masturbation was something to be experimented with in the privacy of his room with the door closed. I also took the liberty of highlighting the changes he would be experiencing over the next few years. I cautioned him about the pitfalls of excessive masturbation. I even managed to work in a hygiene brief (a necessary subject when it comes to boys.) I answered his very thought provoking questions and tried my best to avoid belittling and preaching. He seemed satisfied and rushed off to bed. I prayed that his newly attained knowledge wouldn’t be utilized that evening and more importantly that my willingness to address his concerns would reinforce the bond that we share.

The role of father is becoming increasingly tough as I get older and my children follow. About three months ago I took a picture of my kids and noticed that they looked nothing like the over-sized toddlers that existed in my mind. These guys were becoming little men and women that I would eventually give away and watch walk their own path. It made me shutter to think that my little kids would one day ask for the keys to the car or request a couple of bucks to take out their girlfriend. I’m not sure I’m ready to handle a pimple-faced teenager ringing my doorbell requesting the presence of my daughter on a date.

I know I have no control over my children’s ascension into adulthood but I can only pray that I am able to instill a sense of right and wrong and self-awareness to accompany their journey. I also pray that as they search for the answers to life’s question they will consider me a reliable and suitable reference tool that can freely and openly use without fear. The role of father changes as much as the children in our lives. We as parents must be diverse in our dealings and in our approach. I long for the days where provider was my primary duty. Now I am being multi-task past my comfort zone but honestly, it’s a job that I wouldn’t trust with anyone else.