My Wife & The Lover She Introduced Me To

I have a theory. The theory hasn’t not be tested so to be absolutely pure to diction, I have a hypothesis.

My wife and I recently entered into a conversation about relationship that intrigued me. The topic of the conversation was:

“Why Do Relationships Fail?”

The conversation started after an episode of Oprah, of course, about the same subject. An interesting idea was presented regarding marriage and the perception that it is a holy union that sacristy is matched by no other institution.

Before tackling that thought we contemplated the true nature of falling in love with another person. Without attempting to define love, we considered how the feeling is derived. Here is where my theory comes into play.

I don’t believe that we ever necessarily fall in love with another person. Instead, I think we fall in love with the person that other people introduces us to. It is our imperfections that actually make us perfect for one another. The more imperfect we are the easier it is to find love. Imagine that every single person we meet is holding a mirror. The image in the mirror is always my reflection but it varies based on the perception of the person holding the mirror. For example, if I met Bob who thought I was a great guy, then in the mirror he’s holding I would see my reflection through his eyes – a great guy. On the other hand, if I met Jane who believed that I was evil, then her mirror would reflect an image of myself that I wouldn’t like. The tricky part is that there are those amongst us who will show us a reflection that has been manipulated for their own purposes.

Remember when you fell in love with your spouse or lover? Remember the feeling that the person gave you? I believe that no one can make you feel any type of emotion, good or bad. I believe that the person you actually fell in love with was your image in that person’s mirror. The person your new suitor has introduced you to is a better you or an ideal you. Relationships fail because the image begins to fade as life gets in the way. When I met Melissa, I loved the Tony she saw and reflected. As long as she reflects this superior Tony, I will continue to love Melissa. So essentially I am in love with Melissa and the lover she introduced me to - Me. Bear with me.

When we first meet someone, we make that person a priority. Nothing in life is more important than the person we are pursuing. The precedence we put on a potential lover gives them a certain self-importance they may not have for themselves. As long as we show one another an image of the very best of ourselves our infatuation grows stronger and stronger. Finally, completed fascinated with who we have become, we commit to the person who has introduced us to who’ve always thought we can be.

The breakdown takes place when we are no longer the priority. When the act of falling in love is complete bills can now be paid, jobs can be worked, children can be raised, and the mundane of life supersedes creating our lover’s best. Suddenly the “me” I see when I look into my lover’s eyes lacks the significance I once saw. Suddenly, I see flaws and shortcomings that didn’t prior exist. I’m angered by this phenomenon convinced that I’ve fallen out of love with my partner, when in all actually, I know lack the effort or esteem to recreate who she once showed me.

So what do I do? I cheat. I cheat because in the mirror my spouse is holding I see husband, provider, father, and other utilitarian titles that don’t appeal to the side of me that longs for romantic extravagance. I don’t need anyone to show me my responsible side. The woman at work or at the gym is holding a mirror that shows me lover, artist, comforter, and every other extraordinary being I long to be. I fall in love with this person – not the person holding the mirror, the person in the mirror – the better me. I leave my wife and the boring reflection she forces me to stare at day in and day out and run after the thwarted image of a person who has no idea who I am. Why do second marriages usually fail more often than first marriages? Because in both marriages the real you will eventually present himself.

Self-awareness is vital so that we are not tricked by someone’s altered mirror. When we recognize our true selves we are less likely to believe that we are less or greater than someone persuades us to be.

In some cases, the image we see is one that we enjoy so much that the person who introduces us to the image will always have a special place in our hearts. For example, my ex-wife and I no longer a share a romantic relationship, however by giving birth to my son she showed me an image of father that places me eternally in her debt. I can always be her friend because without her I would have never met the man that my son calls Dad. When I look at her I don’t see “lover” because she no longer casts that reflection of me. If she were to change the “father” image with hurtful words or actions keeping me from being a father, it would be easy to develop a disdain for her.

Some people have caused so much pain with their mirrors that we are not willing to allow anyone of their gender, race, creed, make-up, or background to show us ourselves again. A woman who has been raped by a family member or someone close to her will always question a friendly face attempting to show her an ornate likeness of herself. She’s seen herself that way before; beautiful, worthy, intelligent, important; only to be crushed by the person who had created the image. What dies is the relationship between her and the violator and any future belief that what he showed her is true. In a twisted way, the person who shows her a reflection of loathing, ugly and no worth is safer, because for her at least he is showing her what she already believes.

I believe this is why it is so hard for some people to leave tumultuous relationships. From the outside looking in we see two people who are hurting each other emotionally and possibly physically. The two people see what they once coveted, “a better me.” The woman who says, “he’ll change” is actually hoping that he will once again show her the woman she fell in love with. The man who says, “that’s not who she really is” believes that one day she will show him the strong and virile man she introduced him to at the beginning of their relationship. It isn’t until some catastrophic event forces the two people to look not at the mirror but the person holding the mirror that it becomes easy to break free.

I can back none of this up with science or proof. It is only my feeble attempt at answering the questions that has plagued us from the very first, “I love you.” My hypothesis is not one of cynicism but more the belief that falling in love with one’s self should remain priority one. The next time you fall in love or even gaze into the eyes of your current lover, look deep into the mirror of their soul and make sure that the image you see is one that you have always known. Ensure that no matter who is emitting your reflection, you see your very best you.