All I Have in This World

One of my favorite movies (most men for that matter) is Scarface. Al Pacino’s portrayal of Tony Montana, a Cuban refugee who illegally and forcefully brought himself from poverty, to wealth, and finally to a violent death was incredible. There were many lessons to be learned from that movie, one of my favorite was ironically character.

“All I have in this world is my balls and my word… and I don’t break them for no one.”

Beyond the crassness and horrible grammar, these are amazing words of wisdom. A man is his word until he breaks it. Once his word is broken the bond that he has with the truth can forever be broken. Regardless of looks, money, success or intelligence, a man’s word will take him further than any other attribute. The ability for a man to look another man or woman in the eyes and be trusted is priceless.

I am raising sons, two sons to be exact. Both of my sons often choose deception over honesty, especially when they find themselves facing the consequences of their actions. As a father I find it extremely difficult to impress upon my sons the importance of honesty and how lying can develop into a habit-forming addiction. I want them to understand that actions have consequences – good or bad. They need to understand that Newton’s Third Law – for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction- is deeper than physics. I want my sons to learn a concept that I didn’t learn until later in life- I effect other people. As simple as this concept may be, I don’t believe that many of us live our lives based on an understanding that our lives are the extension of so many others. This reality had more of an impact on me than the morality of truth.

As a man, understanding Newton’s Law has had a profound effect on my life. I was not always the most honest person. As a matter of fact, as a child, I had a very distant and strained relationship with the truth. Lying started as self-preservation, as most lies do. I found myself unwillingly facing the consequences of my misbehavior and surmised that there was a chance that I could escape punishment by removing guilt. I didn’t realize (and neither do my boys) that with age comes wisdom. More times than not, my mother was already well aware of the truth but in attempt to teach me responsibility waited for the confession. I was persistent. “It wasn’t me Mom.” I would proclaim. Her anger grew towards my deceit. I didn’t understand until I had my own children that the lying wasn’t the source of her fear. It was the fact that I was so convincing. It frightened her because she was getting a glimpse at the man I would become… a dangerous man… a talented prevaricator.

Despite my mother’s efforts, I continued to weave webs of dishonesty that persistently caught up with me. It wasn’t until my late twenties that I discovered that honesty was a choice. I discovered that a man who is upright and honest at all times is a valued treasure to all he encounters. A simple notion yes, but I am ashamed to admit not a concept that came easy to me. I didn’t realize that my behavior would eventually have a greater impact on the people around me than me. In life it is much easier to accept the consequences of our actions, however it is more difficult to accept that we are the cause of the innocent’s pain.

As with any parent, I want my children to learn from my mistakes rather than repeat them. When dealing with the dishonesty of my boys I utilize a different approach than my mother. I address more than the lie… I try to address the effects the lie has on each of them in the long run. It is proving to be a bit of a daunting task to convince my boys that the consequences for lying far outweigh the consequences of whatever infraction they lied about. Always proving themselves intelligent, my oldest queried, “So if we tell the truth does that mean we won’t get in trouble?” I actually hesitated slightly before answering this question. Though that type of leniency would appear to be a justifiable response to honesty, what am I teaching them? If you tell the truth you won’t be held accountable for your actions? We all know that’s not true. Instead I promised them that lying would ensure a swifter and more severe punishment than anything else. The problem (as the wittedly pointed out) is that this rule cannot be proven or disproven.

My boys will one day become men and one day discover what I have as a man: being a man can be tough. Now I can just hear women scoff at this statement but there is a lot that goes into being a “good man.” They will learn as I did that a good man is defined usually by the woman’s morale code and needs that you happen to be in a relationship with. There are some universal rules but for the most part each woman creates her ideal man as she goes along. I only hope that the wise words of Tony Montana ring true in my sons’ lives. I hope they can stand on their word, flatfooted and unmoved. I believe it will make it easier for them to meet the needs and desires of their future wives. I try my best to give them an example of brutal honesty when needed and gentle honesty when necessary. Though not always, now in all things I am honest… even it hurts. Manhood is a process.

The only other lesson I think they could potentially learn from Tony Montana is ambition. The following is a scene that I try to live by as well:

Tony Montana: Me, I want what’s coming to me.

Manny: Oh, well what’s coming to you?

Tony Montana: The world, Chico, and everything in it.

Now if that isn’t philosophy… I don’t know what is!