I travel quite a bit for my job and I’m forced to stay in hotels for a week or two out of the month. I've grown accustomed to the false sense of comfort that hotel rooms provide. For a few days most hotels are extremely inviting and almost "homelike". That is until you've been there for more than five or six days. Suddenly, having no refrigerator to open and close, or your favorite pillow, or even a spouse who creeps on to your side of the bed become the pathogens that lead to homesickness.
Strangely, a symptom I suffer from while traveling is vivid, Technicolor dreams that I only seem to have in hotel rooms. I’m not sure if I get a better sleep at home or I have more mental stimulation in unfamiliar places.
Before going into the specifics of the dream that prompted this entry, I would like to start with my interpretation of dreams. In his book The Interpretation of Dreams, Freud surmised that dreams were the “day residue” or a byproduct of the visual, auditory and thought stimulation of the previous day. Though this definition of dreams has been challenged by other psychology professionals, it has been a source of reference to explain the dream phenomenon.
I agree with Freud. I believe that our lives play out much like a movie. Our five senses act as camera and projector, recording and displaying the events of our lives in our minds. There are certain thoughts and feelings that we express without censure and others that we keep to ourselves. This is the stimulation that doesn’t make it pass the “director’s cut” of our lives. The cutting room floor is what feeds our dreams. I believe that order and logic are left out of this film and we just “see” rolls of tape in no specific sequence. Sometimes we get lucky and we dream in a sensible fashion. There are other times our dreams are left to individual perception. While trying to figure out my own dreams, I retrace my steps to get a more accurate explanation of the film I watched while sleeping.
Last night I dreamed of Armageddon. My first thought was to search my memories for conversations, recent television shows or movies, and anything that would bring me to the thought of the world ending. The Armageddon I dreamed of wasn’t the world but my on singular demise. In my dream, I was sitting in a classroom and was suddenly overcome with a feeling of urgency. My mind was racing and in a moment the world seemed to smear and blur right in front of me as if I was watching a videotape while fast forwarding. I dreamed in a sort of third person watching myself but my thoughts were the thoughts of the person in my dream, not the dreamer. I began to instantly think of my afterlife knowing that the end was moments away. In a flash, all the mistakes I had made throughout my actual life ran through my mind. I remember becoming overwhelmed by the guilt of pain and agony that I’ve caused. Guilt gave way to fear as I realized that I was about to die and there was nothing I could do about the next second or the years that preceded that moment. As my dream identity began to blur with the world around him, I suddenly felt a sense of complete and utter peace and tranquility.
So what was that about? I want to believe that I lack the ability to make premonitions in the dream world. For whatever reason, I believe that subconsciously I’ve been punishing myself for my past mistakes and I was sending myself a message. My dream was about the second leading up to the end of my world. What I realized was that death was not the time to contemplate life. There was nothing I could do about my demise and it was only until I accepted the inevitability of dying did I receive peace. In essence, I taught myself to atone for my mistakes and continue to live; changing only the things that I can actually change.
Is it possible to learn life lessons from ourselves? That’s up to philosophers and psychoanalysts to decide. I believe that I’ve lived long enough to avoid my past mistakes and write the script of my life everyday while enjoying the leftovers during a deep, blissful, sleep.
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