The Men I’ve Loved

Now that I have your attention...

I have always been envious of the relationships that women are able to make with one another. Women are extremely talented at making life long friends that they lean on and glean from on a daily basis. They show exceptional loyalty and kindness to one another and rarely do they allow anything to infiltrate or destroy their bond. It is truly remarkable. The levels of intimacy that women share with their girlfriends’ rivals the relationships that some develop with the men they love.

Men are very different. Most men never know the joy of developing a strong and meaningful relationship with other men. Many men rely on women to provide them with a place of comfort and support. No matter how intuitive a woman may be, it is virtually impossible for her to understand the pitfalls and triumphs of manhood. Truly, she can only lead a man towards her individual understanding of the ideal women. The inherit flaw in this guidance is that most women learn everything they know about men from other women.

With all of the opportunities that men have to bond, one would think that friendships between men would be an effortless endeavor. Choose any state in America and you will find men congregating on basketball courts, golf courses, poker tables, and pool halls. These masculine meeting places are actually serve as a one of many causes for poor male bonding.

Men compete.

This is a two-word sentence that falls in line with all of the rules of grammar and social life. Men compete in every aspect of their lives and they’ve been competing since (pardon the crass observation) before the beginning of their own creation. I need not go into detail of the very first “race” that every man breathing has claimed victory. Even after conception, men were born to compete and conquer. Though probably not the first words a man utters, “I betcha” is a phrase that every man is familiar with. This constant state of competition makes it extremely difficult to find companionship beyond the realm of allies. A man doesn’t even need a competitive nature to understand the value of winning and the follies of losing. How is it possible to divulge my deepest darkest secrets to a man who will at some point serve as my adversary? Secrets serve as weapons when chasing the same victory, woman, or job. A man who divulges too much of himself to another man will only be devoured by that man when they inevitably face one another.

Another hindrance of men creating mutual relationships is the stereotypes that we have accepted that define a man. As a child, both men and women taught me that strength was my principle attribute. I was told repeatedly that in order to be a real man I would have to hide my feelings for the sake of the woman that would depend on my strength. Even during the transitional period of my teen years, the idea that a man is a rock is constantly reinforced. Unfortunately that rock was not the source of support it should have been, but a rigid, immovable object. The man has been defined in movies, sports, and music erroneously for years. He has been typecast as a misogynist, a sexist, and worst of all completely dependent on himself. Men are rarely taught to depend on each other but forced to lean on their own often-distorted views of life.

This is not to say that as men we are all stumbling through life, however it does mean that when we stumble we find ourselves alone in the fall. In my own life God has blessed me with men who have served as mentor, confidant, and friend. Though at times seemingly fleeting, I have known the bonds of brotherhood well. I’ve been lucky to be introduced to men of great morality and strength. These brothers have listened as I’ve poured my soul to them and have helped me to correct but never judge my behavior.

It would seem that my experiences contradict my previous summation. Unfortunately, the men who have shown me brotherly love have been few and far between. It also has taken time and life changing events to free ourselves of the solitude that many men imprison themselves in. It isn’t that a caring relationship between men isn’t impossible, however, it is incredibly difficult. Even the feminine overtones of this essay suggest that men shouldn’t be engaged in engaging one another on a more intimate level. I believe that a host of catastrophic events in the lives of men can be attributed to this lack of male intimacy.

In my own life I’ve dealt with an inability to cope and have turned to negative outlets in an attempt to work through my frustrations. I found myself confined within a revolving door searching for a way out. Though I had women in my life it was hard to explain the pressure of manhood that I felt stifling me. It took the encouraging words of a close male friend to bring perspective to my situation. He was able to explain to me that manhood was a journey filled with expectations. He taught me that the strength of a true man was not in his brawn or brains, but in understanding his limitations. Could a woman have given me the same advice? But in my situation the horse’s mouth served as more realistic vessel for advice.

Aristotle developed a concept known as philos a type of love that is dispassionate and virtuous. As men we must not be afraid of the word love nor should we be afraid to love one another. If it were possible to tell a brother that you love him and prevent the rampant acts of suicide, spousal abuse, drug and alcohol abuse, and depression wouldn’t it be worth it?

For the men who were man enough to love and help guide me through life I want to say I appreciate it. I also want to say that I love you brother, I love you friend.