Walking Away

Walking away from anything is difficult, even if walking away means preventing a devastating and disastrous result. If I may be allowed to insert a bit of contradiction, walking away can sometimes be easy; dealing with the consequences of walking away rarely is. It is a simple truth I attribute both experience and ignorance to the hesitation we display when faced to walk away.

Imagine being intoxicated and standing at your car, keys in hand facing the decision whether or not to drive yourself home. To remove the inebriation excuse, imagine you are tipsy, not drunk. The obvious choice would be to walk away and find an alternate way home. Here’s where experience or ignorance can complicate the situation. Though not ignorant of the consequences of driving while intoxicated, it is possible to not know how those consequences will affect us emotionally or psychologically. I know that a DWI will bring with it a hefty fine, possible jail time, and I could lose both my job and my family. Unfortunately, for some, knowing isn’t enough. Experiencing a DWI, however, seems to have a much larger impact on future decision to try to “make it home.” I believe that unless there is some psychological or emotional defect, most of us learn from the painful lessons we endure.

So let’s talk specifics. Why is marriage so easy to walk away from? I believe the concept of marrying for life is a fallacy as long as divorce is possible. I carefully chose not to use the phrase “divorce is an option” because I know that some have professed that it isn’t. Although it may not be an option, it is still very much a reality.

I dare make this very controversial statement: I believe that marriage is plausible because divorce is possible. I also believe that if divorce was somehow illegal or impossible, we would see a decline in marriage.

Now before you scoff at my theory, consider this: people rarely enter into endeavor without an escape route or a “plan b.” Think of the decisions you’ve made in your life, regardless of the impact, and consider that at some point you considered a worst-case scenario. Even decisions made without thought are easily made because an egress is possible. This is just a theory.

I was married once before my current marriage and standing at the alter for the first time I dreamed of forever, but I knew in the recesses of my mind I had a way out. I knew that I walk away but I was ignorant of the impact walking away would have on my life. I walked away. I walked away believing that leaving would my marriage would offer me an alternative life. Not true. Marriage truly is for life, whether you stay married or not. My first wife will always be apart of my story and she will always be apart of my life. Aside from the fact that we have a son together, her existence is the byproduct of my decision-making.

I learned a lot from my divorce. I learned that leaving a marriage is the same thing as mourning a death. Too much focus is placed on deciding who murdered the marriage or if the marriage committed suicide. The fact remains that the lifestyle that we once shared is now dead. After a time the details of the demise no longer seems relevant.

So now I am married again. My current wife was carefully chosen based on the deep intense love I have for her and her compatibility with my lifestyle and desires. That is not to say that this marriage is easier, but I now have experience. I still believe in the forever I vowed the first time I got married but this time that forever is more feasible. I can’t walk away from this woman or this life because I know the consequences of those actions. Don’t get me wrong; I am not staying with my wife to prevent the pain of divorce. I am with my wife because I love her. The experience of going through a divorce has helped me to compromise quicker and choose my battles more carefully. I’ve learned that winning an argument at the expense of losing my life partner is not a win at all. Though it may sound a bit disturbing, walking away once before has made it impossible to even consider now.

Lucky for me my first wife is now a very happy woman and we both are in relationships that are more suitable for each another. We’ve developed a friendship based on the common goal of ensuring our son lives a life of unfathomable joy.

I’ve had friends approach me asking me my feelings about divorce. Though I would love to take a stand and say that I’m completely against it, I feel it would be hypocritical. I am very much an advocate for staying together, but I’m more of an advocate for being true to one’s on self. My advice to anyone considering divorce is to ensure that every opportunity to reconcile has been explored. Once you walk away, there is no going back. Even if a couple finds away to reunite the damage is permanent.

Ironically, I put more effort into ensuring that my friends understand the true nature of marriage than divorce. I’ve been asked, “Tony, do you think we should get married?” My answer is and always will be, “yes, but only if you understand that forever means just that.” I thank God for all the experiences in my life because they’ve shaped and formed the man that I am and the man that I hope to become. If nothing, I’ve learned that there is no alternative to life and walking away isn’t an option.